Funny Phrases, Slogans, Quotes

-"Coincidence is God’s pseudonym."
-"Those who can, do. Those who can't, criticize." - Arthur C Clarke.
-"The only cooking men do is barbecues because it involves danger." - Erma Bombeck
-"Let regulations be damned." - Hikaru Sulu.
-"After a time, you may find that having is not so much pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical but it is often true." - Spock
-"One man's trash, is another man's treasure."
-"I don't just want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying." -Woody Allen.
-"Everyone's a hypocrite; don't be so obsessed with someone's particular brand" - James Evans Wilson.
-"I am not a liar; I just have a very flexible relationship with the truth."
-"There's no ‘I’ in 'team'. There is a ‘me’, though, if you jumble it up."
-"If you talk to God you're religious. If God talks to you, you're psychotic."
-"Humanity is overrated." - Gregory House
-"Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer."
-"A large number of world records were broken at the Beijing Olympics, including Youngest Lip-Synching Fraudster." - Nury Vittachi.
-"Most people cannot afford heating anymore, so all this global warming stuff we were panicking about like crazy last year now looks like a blessing in disguise." - Nury Vittachi
-"Now the world has descended into a state of misery, poverty and deep, trigger-happy mistrust, George W. Bush's work is done and he can leave the world stage." - Nury Vittachi
-"According to yin-yang theory, if you get far enough behind, you end up in first place. Therefore we are all thriving or about to thrive." - Nury Vittachi
-"Okay, so the war on terror hasn't been won, but the war against the environment is going extremely well, you gotta admit that." - Nury Vittachi
-"Time Inc sacked more than 600 journalists in 2008, but still managed to find US$15 million to pay for exclusive pictures of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's babies, so at least we know the media has its priorities right." - Nury Vittachi.
-"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice." - Bill Cosby.
-"By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. " - Mark Twain.
-"Loyalty is sticking up for your friends even when you know they're wrong."
-"When argue with someone when you can ignore them? It's much easier, with a much higher success rate..."
-"You're either objective or biased, it’s oneortheother…"
-"Electricity is really just organized lightning." - George Carlin.
-"Classwork is really just organized chaos".
-"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them." - P. J. O'Rourke.
-"Fashions have done more harm than revolutions." - Victor Hugo.
-"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. " - Lily Tomlin.
-"For me, insanity is super sanity. The normal is psychotic. Normal means lack of imagination, lack of creativity." - Jean Dubuffet
-"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen.
-"To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human." - The Matrix
-"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." - Fred Allen.
-"Energy and Persistence conquer all things". - Albert Einstein
-"The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you're playing by somebody else's rules, while quietly playing by your own." - Michael Konda
-"Genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration" - Thomas Edison.
-"I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you."
-"Our greatest battles are that with our own minds." - Jameson Frank
-"My goal is to live forever or die trying."
-"There is a thin line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line." - Oscar Levant.
-"If you have to be addict, at least be addicted to something cheap, I'm an oxygen and tap water addict."
-"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."  -Spike Milligan.
-"Do not try to bend the spoon; that's impossible. Instead only try to realize the truth: There is no spoon." - The Matrix
-"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get." -Dale Carnegie
-"They say love is around every corner. I must be walking in circles."
-"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Theodor Seuss Geisel
-"Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad." - Norm Papernick
-"I don't believe everyone should like me. I would think less of myself if some people did."
-"Principles only mean something when you stick to them when it’s inconvenient."
-"If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying."
-"These soldiers are the most disciplined military unit in the city. They couldn’t fight their way out of a broom closet, but they’ve got discipline."
-"It's always funny till someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious." - Noggle Bridgebreaker"
-"The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."
-"If nothing is impossible, then I guess I do the impossible every day."
-"Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them."
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music."
-"Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there."
-"Anything can happen when patience is scarce and alcohol is abundant."
-"What is history but a fable agreed upon?" - Napoleon
-"I might almost pity my enemies--if it wasn’t so amusing to watch them die." -Tsabo Tavoc
-"To err is human, to really screw things up requires a computer."
-"It is a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only real variable is about what." - Gregory House.
-"Never fight an inanimate object." - P.J O'Rourke.
- "Dying's easy; living's hard." - James Evans Wilson.
-"If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, why practice?"
-"Life is like a sewer. You get out of it what you put into it" – Tom Leher
-"One day your prince will come. He probably just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask directions."
-"Nobody knows the age of the human race, but all agree that it is old enough to know better."
-"Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive." - C.S. Lewis
-"A joke can be the shortest distance between two points of view." - J.M. McEvoy
-"What's right isn't always popular, and what's popular isn't always right."
-"When fate closes a door, go in through a window."
"Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much." - Oscar Wilde
-"Never underestimate the power of human stupidity." - Robert Heinlein
-"Nothing is ever idiotproof, that's because idiots are so ingenious."
-"Evil is live spelled backwards".
-"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three." - Laurence J. Peter
-"No one can describe themselves in ten words, so why would we want to hear anyone else do it?" - Remy Hadley
-"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm".
-"Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak".
-"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."
-"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS".
-"Work for god... The retirement benefits are great".
-"I still think true Love is out there, it's just very far away. Possibly in another galaxy. We may need to develop faster than light travel before we can make contact." - Allison Cameron.
-"Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?"
-"I'm right 90% of the time, so why worry about the other 12%?"
-"My dog thinks I'm crazy. I'll be back when I'm done arguing with him".
-"Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone".
-"A lot of times people ask what the difference is between an insane person and an eccentric...it's really simple. An eccentric is somebody that knows the difference between crazy and insane, and chooses crazy just because it's more fun." - Chris Kane
-"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and then call whatever you hit the target."
-"You brought religion into my life - I didn't believe in hell until I met you!"
-"It's all common sense, but unfortunately common sense isn't all that common."
-"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."
-"Clarification: it's a beautiful thing." - Gregory House.
-"Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students." - Louis Hector Berlioz
-"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."
-"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." - Albert Einstein
-"The road to success is always under construction."
-"When there's a will, there are 500 more relatives".
-"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."
-"Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?"
-"If two wrongs don't make a right, then how come two negatives make a positive?"
-"A fight put off forever is already won."
-"It's always too early to quit." - Norman Vincent Peale
-"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research."
-"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
-"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."
-"Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination" - Mark Twain
-"The difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits."
-"The next best thing to being clever is being able to quote someone who is."
-"Don't steal, the government doesn't like competition."
-"Why be normal when being insane is so much more fun?"
-"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." - Helen Kelller
-"I know violence isn't the answer, I got it wrong on purpose."
-"Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having."
-"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's -- That's because she changes it more often."
-"I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. "
-"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies."
-"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
-"I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit."
-"If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination."
-"There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love."
-“Humour is that which most efficiently recognizes that we are living in an imperfect world, with imperfect arguments and things that are insane, illogical, and irrational. And the only way we can live with that fact is to laugh.”
-"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."
-"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer."
-"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
-"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried."
-"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
-"Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance." - William Shakespeare
-"To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times." - Mark Twain
-"Home is where you can find a decent graveyard and strangers can disappear without awkward questions."
-"A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking." - Arthur Block
-"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." - Albert Einstein
-"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." - A. Whitney Brown
-"In order to act, you must be somewhat insane. A reasonably sensible man is satisfied with thinking." - Georges Clemenceau.
-"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it." - Franklin P. Jones
-"If ties are a type of noose: same knot, same level of tension, same ability to kill. Why aren’t ties not banned on all aircraft?"
-"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." - Lily Tomlin
-"Loyalty is sticking up for your friends, even when you know they're wrong."
-"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."" - Maryon Pearson
-"Viva la resistance!"